Thoughts...

A couple of days ago I went to the nursing home to see my grandpa. (For those of you who don't know, he has Alzheimer's disease.) Long story short- he's in there because his legs weren't doing so well. He went to the doctor's and they thought he had cellulitis. He doesn't but they don't know why he can't use them, so he's in the nursing home until he can start walking again.... or so we pray. Just in the past few months my grandfather's disease has progressed so much to the point at where he doesn't make any sense, he just rambles now. 

It's been so hard on us. My mom and grandma go in everyday to see him.... I've only been once. Does that seem terrible? It's just hard for me to see my hero in a nursing home. The man who would play games with me, let me tend his garden, make cornstalk teepees, and just sit and talk all afternoon on hot summer days is now in a home where he can't even feed himself anymore. He was always my hero and will always be. You know how every child has someone they look up to? Mine was my grandpa. 

I use to go and visit a different nursing home... oh once a month I think. I loved going in there and listening to all the stories that the elderly had to tell. I would cry sometimes hearing that the ones I grew close to never had family visit them. I couldn't believe how selfish their families were- to just drop them off and never visit. You know, I think I understand why some of them do it because I've slowly become one of those... 

I think we do it because we've seen our loved ones at their best times, and want to remember them as that- not remember how terrible it was watching them slowly go down hill... You see I only knew those elderly friends of mine in their later years- I never knew them when they were younger. But I've watched my kind-hearted, agile grandpa go quickly downhill to where he can't walk, doesn't know any of us, just sits and rambles on, and has become a little temper mental. What makes it harder is knowing that he's probably not going to be able to leave the nursing home. it was only meant to be temporary until he got the use of his legs. With his mental health rapidly declining, I don't think it's temporary but permanent. 

The way I've been coping is just continually praying that he is not in any pain or suffering. I pray that once that points hits, and I hope you see my point being, that God will take him. I love my grandpa. I love him so much that when he starts to suffer, I ask God to please take him to heaven where he'll be pain free. I'll miss him something fierce, but I know one day I'll see him again and he'll remember me.

I made a promise to my grandpa, that one day I'd go to Maine and fish. You see every year he'd go until his body no longer allowed his yearly trip. I was never able to go with him because I was too young. So I told him that when I was older, I'd go for him and fish. I tend to one day fulfill my promise, to go to Maine and think of him while fishing out on a boat- just wishing he was there beside me, giving me tips like he always did.